That same morning Jay kissed me goodbye just before 6 am, taking off to London to work for a few days. I was now solo with just two, rather big and independent kids, and it felt... weird. There are times when I long for time on my own, time to be undisturbed and able to do whatever I want to do. But then when Emmy Bo left and even Jay disappears out of the picture for a while, I suddenly found myself totally lost. It was like my framework fell apart, my daily routines and schedule went out the window and my auto-Mum-and-wife-pilot lost her GPS signal... No network. I couldn't navigate anymore.
I had so many plans for these days of "almost" being alone at home. I thought I could organize and sort all the folders and archives in the office, continue to move things over from the old computer to the new computer. Tune up my CV again and get into job search mode. Be home productive and get on top of things that has fallen behind... But the long list of things I wanted to do and accomplish remained untouched. Instead I ended up taking long walks in the rain, in the woods, listening to podcasts and thinking about... me. My goals, my purpose, my wishes, my needs, my family, my daily life, my professional self, my future... And maybe I needed that. Maybe I needed to just stop the engine of constant "doing" and just reflect for a bit.
Slowly I have arrived to a point in life where change is banging on the door. I'm growing older. My kids are growing older. My blog is growing older. My needs are changing. My kids needs are changing. The need of blogging is changing. My auto pilot button as a Mum is being released and it is time to take over the wheel and set my own destination. Figure out how to get there... And I will get there. It will just take some hard work. Practice. Time. Adjustment. Tears. and some bravery facing some fears... Change is never easy but it makes you grow and as much as I am afraid of what my "new" purpose in life will be, I am excited to start a new journey.
This week I have read The Secret Of Happy Ever After by Lucy Dillon, I have had an endless amount of tea and crocheted a whole bunch of granny squares. Just because they always ALWAYS make me happy. I have cooked and done chores, gone grocery shopping and paid bills. And snuggled up under a blanket watching "13 Reasons Why" in just 5 days, feeling enlightened by this rather strong and controversial series (I highly recommend it but don't forget to also watch Beyond 13 Reasons Why where cast, producers and psychologists get together to explain the idea behind the show and what message they want to give with it...) I didn't get things done as I wanted, but I got other things done. And its been good.
She is coming home this afternoon, my little Emmy Bo. I can't wait. I think I've missed her more than she has missed me. She is normally my doudou when Jay is gone, filling up his side of the bed and wrapping her feet around my legs. But this week his side has been all empty and I have held Crystal (Emmy Bo's super soft racoon doudou which is her emergency extra if PingPing the big eyes pinguin is in the wash kind of...) tight when going to bed. I should add that Emmy Bo left Crystal with me, with the words to hold her tight so we magically, through doudou snuggles, could be together in our dreams. Because that is how it works in Emmy Bo's life. So I did. And it worked, even for me. :)